Well, the holidays are officially underway. You’ve camped out at Wal-Mart at 4AM, You got into a verbal war with someone who cut in line. Then you knocked him out. You snatched up all the Twilight Barbies and you’ve already resold 15 Zhu-Zhu Hamsters. You even kept one for yourself, because they’re awesome. But now its time to focus. You’ve got less than a month to knock out a huge NFL player gift list and a couple names on there are really tough to buy for…So, I did you a favor. I did some homework and wrote down a few gift ideas for the difficult names that remain. I think you’ll be pleased. Happy Holidays and best of luck!
The Gift List
1. Tom Cable – The Bob Body Punching Bag, wearing any of these. Every time you see this creepy thing in a sports store you put up your hands up, throw a few jabs, and then just right cross the hell out of it like you know what you’re doing. Well, at least I do. Anyhow, add hair and you’ve got the perfect stress reliever for Mr. Cable, without the embarrassing press reports. $349.00, $30.00
2. Steve Smith (Carolina) – Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, for Nintendo. Steve can channel his little man syndrome through Little Mac in this throwback classic and jack people in the face twice his size without any repercussions. Block, block, block, block, block, annnd uppercut. Sit down Great Tiger. $19.99
3. Jay Cutler – Put that number 3 receiver your holding back on the shelf. He’s got plenty of those. Jay needs something big, something to get his mind off of football. Here’s what I’m thinking. It’s “The Man” treatment from Chicago’s Halo for men. Jay looks exhausted, doesn’t he? Well not anymore! Send him down to Halo for men where he’ll get a hip new haircut! Hand and arm massages! Facial treatment for those baggy eyes! AND a Paraffin hand wax!! Whatever that is! After countless late nights at The Underground and completions to the other team, this is the perfect “gettaway for a day Jay” gift. $45.00
4. Darrius Heyward-Bey – These. And not that these hands are going to help him hold onto anything, but at least now you can’t say he doesn’t have any. “Derrius Heyward-Bey runs a 4.2 40 and has a sa-weet set of hands!” Yea…Now that sounds more like a number 7 overall. $14.99
5. Michael Crabtree – I’d hold off on him until after the holiday when there will be some better deals.
6. Jamarcus Russell – For the man who can buy anything for doing nothing, this will bring him back to the golden days while making the new job a little more comfortable. $19.95 (On sale!)
7. Brett Favre – This book will come in handy sooner than later. Or maybe never. Otherwise, for those warm summer pick up games with the boys, these will be great when the pants get too warm.$1.75, $45.00
8. Maurice Jones Drew– A bowling ball bag, to carry himself in. $33.00
10. DeSean Jackson – An Invisible Fence. Installed on both goal lines. So when he’s about to score he’ll hear a beep and feel a light shock so he’ll know not to freak the f!#% out and do something like this when he’s about to hit pay dirt. We’ll call it a hi-tech warning track, for humans. $1,800
11. Ricky Williams – According to Wikipedia, Williams is a qualified Yoga instructor. And one of the reasons he played for the CFL’s Toronto Argonauts was for the opportunity to teach a free Yoga class in a Toronto facility. Now, a Yoga mat would be an easy choice, but Nintendo’s Wii Fit game has a Yoga feature that… Nah just kidding. Weed. $20
12. Adrian Peterson – Benadryl. That rash is getting out of control. Poor guy has to be dyin’. $6.99