A weekly break down of 5 commercials we see over and over and over again on game day.
1) NFL.com – Play Fantasy Football
Oh god, he’s running at me again. All Day keeps running at me, all day, shirtless. And it won’t stop. It’s terrifying. And I can’t hide, because he’ll find me. He’ll always find me, wherever I go. And it’s not like he’s going to catch me because he is running really, really slow, but he’s in my head. I mean he’s freakishly huge. He’s built like a robot. Like each pectoral and abdominal is a separate piece that locks into its main frame. It’s like, buddy, I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry I passed on you in ONE fantasy league for MJD. I really am. I mean, it was a PPR league and he’ll catch more passes than you. What was I supposed to do? I messed…Oh god, there he is again, gotta run. Or at least walk briskly.
2) Burger King – The Tony Stewart School of Endorsements
Eric Estrada, Carrot Top, and Tony Stewart. Dear all three of you, I’m terribly sorry, but this is the most painful commercial I’ve witnessed in a long time. Watching you sell whatever dignity you had left made my heart hurt a bit. And I don’t even really care much for either of you guys, but you made me cringe like I was watching a girlfriend forget the words to the national anthem during her singing debut a ball game. I won’t argue with the paycheck, but there have to be other opportunities for you. Are you reading off cue cards? This is awful acting. I mean you all put Michael Phelps’ SNL performance to shame, but I don’t know if that’s a compliment. This is like the time my sister and I were watching a stand up comedian fail miserably with jokes about parallel parking the Challenger. Actually, you couldn’t even call them jokes. He just kept making statements like, “Can you imagine trying to park that thing? I mean it’s huge. That would be so difficult to do. You back it in, then pull forward, then back again, then forward. Crazy hard right?” And that was it. No punch line, nothing. I was just staring emotionless at the screen and looked over at her to see if she just saw what I saw. She looked at me and I swear she was crying. She actually had tears in her eyes, and I asked her “What’s the matter?” and she was like, “I feel so bad for him. Not a single person is laughing.” That’s how I feel when I watch this. I don’t think I’m going to cry, but I might.
Estradaaaaaaaaaaa!! Are you kidding me? Who writes this stuff? Also, Ricky Bobby is no longer the only Nascar driver who doesn’t know what to do with his hands in front of a camera.
3) Buffalo Wild Wings – Overtime
An official goes under the hood to check a replay of a challenged call. But no! Surprise! He’s actually video conferencing with a cluster of fans at B-dubs who ask him to make bogus calls so the game goes into overtime for the sole purpose of eating A TON MORE BLAZIN’ WINGS! Hooray for spending half of your Sunday watching your favorite team and not giving a crap if they win or lose, so long as you get to keep licking sweet barbecue off your fingers. Why would that guy spend $70 on an authentic jersey if he doesn’t even care about his team winning in regulation? He should have just bought a hundred more wings instead. That’s all he really wants.
And another thing, what if the game is already out of hand in the 2nd quarter and overtime isn’t an option, and Johnny “overly passionate anointed speaker of the room” still isn’t ready to go yet? Then what happens? Does the ref just change the scoreboard when no one is looking? I bet someone would notice. And if they really had their hearts set on sticking around for more football, I’d hate to think they didn’t realize the 4 o’clock games were coming on next. (And I know these were 1 o’clock games they were watching because no bar ever has that many people around for the late games) Also, if you’ve ever been to a sports bar, you know the TV’s will annoyingly switch over to the next group of games during any game that runs past 4. (Just like it this weekend when the Packers Bengals game went late and we missed the whole onside kick ordeal.) So it’s safe to say they probably wouldn’t have seen overtime anyway. These aren’t fans.
Rather than politely begging Tom Donaghy to screw over another game, if they really weren’t ready to go yet they could just stay and, you know, talk and drink and hang out with each other. It’s not like they need this specific game on, or any game for that matter. They don’t even care who wins. Actually they don’t even care if anyone wins. They probably hope it’s a tie because that’s the absolute longest this tainted game could carry on. One full OT quarter. At any rate, no one was forcing them to leave in the first place, so why do they even need overtime? Just stick around anyway and eat more wings, play trivia, and get in 9 on Golden Tee.
The more I think about this whole situation, the more ridiculous it keeps getting. I mean this ref is screwed. He’s eventually going to be exposed for the criminal that he is and will most likely do hard time for throwing games. Do you think we didn’t see you blatantly trip the ball carrier there at the end? What an idiot. This guy is doomed. And what about the other team? Have you even thought about the thousands of fans of the other team? Because that’s the team I was rooting for. So now myself and my fellow fans, we just have to sit here, bend over, and take this transparent monkey business right in the rear so the other team’s “fans” can down some more boneless teriyaki bites. Really guys? You’ve been eating wings for almost 4 hours now. At some point enough it just becomes gluttony.
Lastly, I go to a bar almost every Sunday for the games, sometimes even Buffalo Wild Wings. This is far and away the most disciplined crowd I have EVER seen at a bar. Crooked God-like ref shows up on the big screen and everyone immediately stops what they’re doing. Master spokesperson jersey guy stakes his claim, followed by dead silence, followed by creepy reaction shots of sh*t eating grins in anticipation of all the corruption that’s about to take place. C’mon! I don’t buy that for a second. On Sunday, two Stillers fans were asked to leave the bar I was at because they were vastly outnumbered and about to get pummeled by at least 14 different Johnny Knox fans for waiving terrible towels at Rachel, the cute waitress in the Urlacher Jersey. I’m just saying, bar, plus beer, plus football, equals chaos, not regimented cult-like crowds of con artists. Ridiculous.
4) Sears – Cold Feet
This commercial is decent. It’s not side splitting funny, but it’s funny like Jay Leno funny. Chuckle funny. You know the kind. It opens with Favre staring at big screen TV in a state of confusion. What’s he pondering though? Whether he can afford it? No way. Whether he likes it? I don’t know, but he could probably just buy Sears and avoid this altogether. Anyhow, as Favre is thinking, the Sears Team Guy* goes on a rant about customers who can’t make up there mind when it comes to pulling the trigger on purchases. Brett explains how those guys drive him crazy. Clever. Kind of funny. Making fun of his own indecisive personality. I get it. But then I was thinking, Brett Favre on the field is almost the complete opposite of this. He’s probably the most decisive person on the planet when he’s on the field. Take a game off because of a mild injury? Without hesitation, never. Check down pass? Emphatic no. Triple coverage? Immediate throw. No two ways about it.
I don’t know, personally I think this guy is full of himself. I mean I understand how it’s important to create a brand out of yourself for marketing purposes, but his drama is a bit over the top. I do respect him for how great he was. But he loves the spotlight and doesn’t care really care about the Vikings. He just wants to win for himself and pad his stats. But, he was an amazing QB in Green Bay for every game during a span of like 28 different Bears quarterbacks. That’s incredible. And he does have the most touchdown passes of all time, but also the most interceptions. He’s pretty awesome, but I hate him. But I do like his arm strength…I don’t really know.
(see what I’m doing here? I’m wavering. Get it? I’m being indecisive like Brett. I know, great stuff.)
*Actually, the real reason I enjoy this commercial is because of the Sears Team employee, who happens to be Chicago’s own Brad Morris of The Second City Mainstage. Most of you probably have no idea who he is yet but if you’re ever in Chicago, and you want to laugh hysterically, check out The Second City and see this guy perform. Hands down, one of the funniest people working in the city. Go see him on the Mainstage or on Sunday nights at the iO theater near Wrigley where he occasionally performs with the hilarious Tim Meadows and you’ll have your answer to the question, “who are these random people getting paid to be in these commercials?” Trust me, most of us really couldn’t do it better. You will see this guy on SNL, a sit-com, or a comedy flick sooner than later. Hilarious.
5) Chase Bank ATM Commercial – Cash Only
[can’t find video online, but you know this commercial]
This commercial is ridiculous. It cuts to a guy on a nice dinner date who, after moments of scouring the menu, spots a “Cash Only” warning on the bottom. Ok time out. First of all, no self respecting fine dining establishment with an apparent dress code and white table cloths expects its patrons to carry gobs of cash in their pockets. And it’s pretty clear that this is a fancy place where you’d have had to make reservations to get such a nice centralized table location like this. So, wouldn’t this be something the employees should mention to guests? “Hi Guest, thank you for your reservation. Now, a few things before you arrive. Unless you’re a bartender or stripper, you’ll probably want to hit up an ATM before you get here because we are CASH ONLY. And yes, our Kobe beef is $18 an oz. So bring a lot. Sorry for the trouble. See you at 8.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think it would save some embarrassment. Now, lucky for this guy, he banks with Chase, and thankfully, they offer a million bright blue ATMs all over the place where he can conveniently take out the couple hundred he’s about to drop. And even better, the entire world is black and white so the neon blue cash station down the street stands out like a sore thumb. Perfect.
So, as his highly intelligent date becomes preoccupied with her nose buried in her menu, he slips out the front door to score some cash. Now, lets be realistic for a second, this girl is way too attractive to be salivating over an entire menu like this. She’s probably a vegetarian as well, so there’s no way she’s this intense about dinner. This girl is ordering a Grecian salad and nothing more and you know it. Moving on.
As the guy makes his way out the door, he spots his destination, and takes off running. But a funny thing happens on the way to the ATM. While we understand he’s in a rush to get there as fast as possible before Einstein notices anything’s up, he in fact, has a miserable time making it across the street. He’s dodging cars, people, and obstacles every which way. He’s really struggling and appears to be sweating. So what’s the real message here? Is it really easy to get to a Chase ATM, or isn’t it? I don’t even know anymore.
Finally our resourceful hero makes it back to his chair before his girl suspects anything. She eventually looks up at him and cheerfully asks what he’s having for dinner. He says, “The halibut!” To which air head replies, “Oh I didn’t see that on here!”
Ok deep breath. Wow. Buddy, at this point you only have one move. You stand up, and look her in the eye and as politely as possible you say. “Oh you didn’t see it? Do you know why? Because you sweetheart are F#@$%! Idiot.” And then you walk out. And she probably won’t even notice.