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Manio-Kart 64: The Sunday Drivers

admin December 30, 2009 NFL Comments Off on Manio-Kart 64: The Sunday Drivers
December 30, 2009 – Dr. Crackback (Matt Dolan)

Fire up your engines football fans, Manio-Kart 64: The Sunday Drivers is coming to a Babbage’s near you!

So I was lucky enough to be first one to play this over the weekend for beating Wario Stadium in 4 seconds in a national tournament, and I gotta say, wow, is it sa-weeet! I wrote up a quick breakdown of all the new characters and their skill sets for you to check out below. I should point out, I’ve probably played a million video games in my life, and I swear, Manio-Kart 64 is the best game I have ever played. Hands down, best game, ever played, and I think you’ll agree. Just look at some of these crazy new characters!

Also, you can reserve your copy this morning at Babbage’s by calling 1800-WHATHAPPENEDTOBABBAGES? I already ordered 6! (You do have to dial the question mark though, or else it won’t work.)

Gentlemen, I’m gonna go ahead and say it. Start. Your. Engines!

(The real screen shot of the original Mario-Kart 64 is at the bottom of this page.)

manio-kart football

Click on image to view full size.

MANIO (Peyton Manning) – The most intelligent of all the drivers. He won’t run you over but he has laser acceleration, rocket speed, and he can steer a kart better than anyone. He also never misses hitting another driver with a shell, not even a green one. If your neck and neck with Manio at the end of the race, he will beat you, every time.

ELIGI (Eli Manning) – He’s a middleweight and a bit slow, but if he gets in a groove, he’ll win some big races. Eligi is just about average in all attributes which isn’t a bad thing in this game. He plays second fiddle to his brother Manio, but, he’s blood, so.. he has to be good, right? I mean, he’s related to a great driving family, ya know? So he has to be good. I don’t know, I’m just sayin, some people will probably pick him first overall. I don’t know if I would.

PEEP (Erin Andrews) – She’s the lone female racer but she holds her own against the boys. She won’t intimidate you and she lacks the initial burst, but don’t get caught looking back at her or you’ll end up regretting it. You might even go to jail. Either way, she’ll fly right by you. Her top speed is as good as anyone and she can steer out of any situation. Peep has more than just a pretty face, body, leg, other leg, eyes, skin, and smile, she’s also a great dresser. And she drives well. Peep is everything your looking for in a woman, driver, so you’ll definitely want to take her for a spin.

LOAD (Maurice Jones-Drew) Load is ridiculously unfair. He appears small, but he weighs in at over 200 pounds and hits like a heavyweight. He’s also one of the fastest drivers in the game and his acceleration is off the charts. And unlike Mario-Kart’s Toad, Load’s steering is excellent. He’s Manio-Kart’s version of Odd Job from Golden Eye, and he’s zero fun to play against. He’s like a bowling ball rolling a thousand miles per hour. Use him in a race and set every record. Use him in battle mode and never lose a balloon.

YOCHO (Chad Ochocinco) – The most colorful of all the characters, Yocho is the most popular driver. He’s tops in speed and acceleration, and he has great hands for steering. Sure’s he’s just a middleweight, but he takes boxing lessons and he’ll hit you in the mouth if you drop a banana anywhere near him. Yocho also comes up with the most creative celebrations after a victory.  One time he drove his kart off of a ramp 400 feet in the air into Choco Mountain and he jumped out at the last second with a parachute that said, “Please don’t fine me Racing Kart League!” But they did anyway, because he blew up a kart. He didn’t care though because he’s has a ton of gold coins in his pocket , and he’s just having fun.

B.K. (Brian Kelly) – B.K. just wins. Doesn’t matter the mode, or the level, or the track, he just finds a way. People say he’s an approachable guy on most days, but never on racing day. Get in his way and he’ll launch three red shells at you. Nowadays, he’s moved onto green shells, so, we’ll see if he remains as accurate. Either way B.K. is one of the heavyweights, and he’ll push you around. He steers well and has some decent speed. He lacks great acceleration but he survives because he understands that it takes more than one race to win a flower cup. It takes 4.

JAREO – (Jared Allen) – Jareo is a punk and a sore winner, but he’s definitely a still a winner. He’s one of the heavyweights, and he knows it. He’ll push you around like B.K. and then he’ll laugh at you. He’ll steal your star or your hard earned lighting with his ghost, and then he’ll laugh at you. His steering is top notch and so is his acceleration. His top speed is lacking but he does have some ridiculously wild hair, and that’s always fun. Jareo is a beast in battle mode. Good luck blocking him with your revolving red shells. He’ll run you over and have your balloons popped in a matter of seconds.

LEWSER (Ray Lewis) –  He’s the terror of the turnpike, a mean, eh, purple, fighting machine. He’s is the biggest and baddest of all the racers and he’ll let you know it. He’ll put you on the curb in seconds if you cross his path. Lewser always gets off the starting block in a hurry and he demonstrates great closing speed in a footrace to the finish. He’s always in control so you’d better bring your A-Game if you stand a chance against him.  Bottom line: Lewser is a winner!… And he’ll kill you if he has too.

mario kart original

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