The great thing about predictions is that by the time the season ends, those who have read this article will have long forgotten about it and about me. Unless one of the predictions is something really out there, such as the St. Louis Rams win the Super Bowl against the Oakland Raiders, most everything will be in one ear and out the other.
So instead of making serious outlandish predictions, these will be fun and outlandish. At least that’s the intention.
* In a cruel twist of irony, rookie Tim Tebow will have his ankle rolled by a Broncos’ fullback. Or tight end. Or maybe their H-back. This injury will come on a special teams play.
* Even Drew Brees won’t escape the Madden curse. Brees will get food poisoning from a bad batch of seafood that has been tainted by the Gulf oil spill. Forced to miss the Saints’ first playoff game, New Orleans loses. The State of Louisiana includes this fact in their lawsuit against BP.
* Vikings’ defensive end Jared Allen will awake one morning after a lovers’ tryst with his mullet cut off. Subsequently, he will lose all of his freakish athletic ability and speak with a Jersey accent.
* On January 2, 2011, the Tennessee Titans face the Indianapolis Colts in their regular season finale. As time expires in the fourth quarter, RB Chris Johnson will run for a six yard gain and finish the season with 2,999 rushing yards.
* After a four-game losing streak in December which costs Dallas a playoff spot, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will run out onto the field and attempts to fight longtime referee Ed Hochuli. Needless to say, Hochuli wins a very brief fight.
* Rams’ RB Steven Jackson will retire in the middle of a game against the San Francisco 49ers after being tackled the 17th time by LB Patrick Willis. In an abrasive post-game interview, Jackson will be quoted as saying, “F*ck the Rams, I’m out!”
* On a fade route in the endzone, WR Chad Ochocinco will deflect a pass intended for Terrell Owens. The following week, on T.O.’s reality show, he will admit it was a publicity stunt. Both shows are cancelled in the offseason.
* Brett Favre doesn’t retire. No need to joke about this because he already is one.
* Redskins’ defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth breaks NFL single-season sack record with an incredible 74 sacks. After the season, he admits he was really, really, REALLY wrong about 3-4 defenses.
* The Cleveland Browns go 2-14 for the worst record in the NFL and select offensive tackle JeBron Lames with their first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.
* As a practical joke, every Houston Texans fan in Reliant Stadium throws a football at wide receiver Andre Johnson; mysteriously all of them are caught.
* Tom Brady gets upset at some arbitrary comment made by a member of the mainstream media which does not praise the New England Patriots for the 85th time in his career. Everyone shrugs and finally accepts the fact that he is an overgrown 9-year old.
* Despite outperforming every quarterback in the league statistically, Aaron Rodgers continues to fly just under the radar and bangs models all the time.
* In the most dramatic Super Bowl in years, down by 5 with one second left, Tony Romo completes a 63-yard hail mary pass to Roy Williams. After the game, still clutching the ball in his arms, Williams sobs uncontrollably while saying over the cheers of his teammates, “I told y’all, man!” Williams abruptly wakes up in a cold sweat in a San Diego hotel room the night before a preseason game.
* Hines Ward misses the entire 2010 season because he develops facial nerve paralysis, leaving him unable to smile.
* Roddy White puts up another great season with the Atlanta Falcons and gets stopped once the entire season to be asked for an autograph.
* The Detroit Lions win their first four games, looking dominant and playoff-bound. The regular season then begins.
* The Baltimore Ravens and Green Bay Packers play in Super Bowl XLV. The Packers go on to win the game 31-27. No one remembers the article written by Matt De Lima that correctly predicts the result. He wins no money, gets no credit and actually forgets that he made this prediction.